Paranormal POTUS

The other day I parked myself in front of my favorite cable news channel and witnessed the President (POTUS himself) make four untrue statements in the course of 25 seconds. They were so untrue that I could recognize it even by myself – without help from commentators, pundits, lobbyists, garden gnomes, or anyone else. Outright lies, I suspected, and my suspicions were later backed-up by fact checkers and the keepers of useless statistics and overall truth. Four lies in less than half a minute! It’s really quite remarkable, don’t you think? Astounding, really!

Of course, now that I’ve written this out loud, I expect a barrage of comments about how it all depends on who is actually checking the facts. Well, I don’t really know, but it feels like it should be a couple of those “high-end professionals.” Presidential fact checkers should be serious people – after all, it’s not Gary from down the street who could care less. I mean, it’s not a middle school essay, and the fact checker isn’t Mr. Donovan, who could barely pass English101 at Eastern Stoner College.

It’s like a mathematician. Two and two are four, and outside of some weird quantum physics thing, it always will be. We should be able to count on all fact checkers, regardless of political bias, being able to hold POTUS to the not so subtle art of accuracy. No getting confused there, right? We all agree? Cause if you’re coming down on the side of 2+2=7, that’s not gonna fly.

We make those pesky scientists use stringent methods just so we can catch them if they mess up. We expect all the details to be accurate, and all 12 million ducks to be in a row. And if everything isn’t just right, off with his head, or at the very least, yank his grant out from under his incompetent Keister. “Blasphemer!”

Real estate agents can’t tell you the house is worth $10,000 and then change the price at closing. That’s a lie that will cost them their license in most states – even if it was a typo or if the agent somehow misspoke. Accuracy matters, dad-burn-it, and when you know damn well you’re not being accurate; when it’s on purpose, it’s a lie. If I knew those four statements in 25 seconds were wrong, surely POTUS should have known.

Which brings this a little too close to home, because I am constantly having my potential paranormal evidence scrutinized – fact checked. I’m not supposed to claim something is paranormal unless it truly is paranormal. Go figure! Whatever evidence I provide has to pass someone else’s muster. And when it doesn’t, I can’t just scream “Fake analysis!” and continue trying to pass it off as real. Doesn’t work that way. I wish it did because I know my motivations are pure, as are my heart, mind, and body. Heck, my fact checkers know it too, but they still rule against me quite often. I just have to get it right, that’s all, and so they do me a huge favor. They keep me from making incorrect statements and assumptions in front of the whole world.

Nobody wants to deal with a dishonest paranormal investigator. It’s the kiss of death, no pun intended. You’re an instant outcast. Fake evidence indeed – fake investigator! However, its not as though the whole world is flocking to hear what I have to say, and my naysayers are just dying to catch me in something that’s clearly wrong. Likewise, my “base” doesn’t believe what I say just because I say it. They don’t care who my fact checkers are, but they expect me to have them and use them. They expect me to be honest and the minute I’m not… er… the 25 seconds I’m not, it’s over baby. No excuses, no mitigating circumstances, no margin of error, no nothing – it’s either the truth or it isn’t, or it’s “bye bye” paranormal career.

I don’t mind so much when politicians get things wrong, or choose a favorable poll from which to make claims. I don’t even mind a lie or two – especially concerning their personal lives. No one needs to know that Senator Blitzkrieg enjoys a meal of Alpo once in awhile, or that President Schmock once kissed his cousin Roy on a dare. But would I be wrong if I suggested there’s been an awful lot of prime bullshit hitting fans all across the country? Am I wrong to suggest that four lies in twenty-five seconds is kinda pushing the envelope in a way that renders it totally useless? But, if you think that’s all good; if you’re not worried at all about such things, make sure you pick up my new book entitled ‘My Conversations with All 47 Founding Fathers And Jesus’. On sale now for $10,000 on Amazon. It’s steep, but it’s true. I wouldn’t lie. Trust me!

3 responses to “Paranormal POTUS

  1. Hey there Randy. It’s me Diane, you don’t write nearly enough stuff, man. Your words and ideas made me think and made me laugh. More please.

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