Doomsday Minus One


So I’m sitting in the dark in a $160 a night midwest hotel room that no longer has electricity. I’m in Chicago – ten million light years away from home (by way of Omicron Ceti), and I ask you – when was the last time you, or anyone you know, experienced a blackout at a hotel? There’s no hurricane or impending Lake Michigan tsunami; no raging blizzard, cyclone, forest fire, or foreign attack. They paid the light bill. I suppose it could be an alien invasion, but it doesn’t seem probable – the street lights are working. I think I’d go for them first if I were an alien commander, wouldn’t you?

But it should be obvious, since today is December 20, 2012. The Mayans were off by a day! That’s an acceptable margin of error when you factor in the number of years involved and their lack of technology. I mean no disrespect, but the main thing working against the prediction has always been the fact that… well, they’re Mayans, for god’s sake. Primitives, basically. Tribal people with a predilection for violence and astronomy – no reason to believe they couldn’t be a day off. Personally, I’d understand if they were a whole week off! They didn’t even have bicycles, so why should we expect pinpoint accuracy on a several thousand year old prediction?

So here we are – at the brink of doomsday minus one, and so far, it’s just dark. I guess the rest is on its way and before you know it we’ll feel the earthquakes and the seas will part and John Cusack will be flying over just ahead of the falling buildings… I feel compelled to get this post out there in case there are survivors – kind of my last words before impending doom swallows me whole. There are a couple of things I need to say.

First, to Sally Mae Hornsby, I’m sorry I left you at the alter. I’m not dead (yet) and I never caught an incurable disease from the trip to Africa I never took. Second, I have never gotten over the guilt of voting for John Anderson in 1980. It was a wasted vote – President Carter, forgive me. Third, I should cop to the sad fact that on four occasions, when I was 15, I pocketed the money I was supposed to put in the collection plate at church. I played hookie instead, and didn’t know what to do with the cash. There are no excuses. Fourth, yes I did trade the Willie Mays rookie card, but I was 11 and how was I to know it was worth so much? I should have owned up to it and taken my punishment, but I got 4 cards in return and it seemed like such a steal.

And finally, the hardest thing there is for me to admit to. I never thought it would come to this, but doomsday was always such a myth until now. Reality just bites sometimes, doesn’t it? Wait! Hold on… We’re saved! The lights just came back on. Never mind.

I don’t know what will happen tomorrow – probably doom and gloom all over again and, of course, the end of everything. So who wouldn’t get confused by a massive power issue on the eve of destruction? I mean, it coulda been a day early, right? I suppose the real thing will be a little more dramatic, but sometimes things happen slowly.

Oh come on, people. I knew this wasn’t the end. This is just my strange sense of humor. You know, I’ve never been the same since that horrible disease I caught on the trip to Africa many years ago when I was young. Honest! You know how it is…

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